No fault – what’s the deal?

So I’ve learned that the state of California is a no-fault state when it comes to divorce. Basically you can ask for a divorce for something as stupid as your spouse leaves the cap off the toothpaste and a judge will grant it. Why can one person say they want out of a marriage for something stupid but the other spouse can’t say, “absolutely not” because there are only minor problems with our marriage that can be worked out? Or how about we agreed to a lifetime commitment and the judge should order you into counseling in order to fulfill that commitment? Up until recently I had a very normal, loving marriage. If our marriage was not dysfunctional, why should it be so easy to walk away from that commitment?

Okay, my husband is committing adultery and that is horrid and disgusting. Many of you would say that that should be reason enough to dump his a$$. But I believe in my commitments. I made a vow that I would remain true through better or worse. My husband took that same vow. Why should he be allowed to snake out but I’m not allowed to say he has to stick? What God has joined together, no man should part, right? How come the state of California thinks it’s okay to circumvent God?

Yes, I know that could start a whole other discussion. And I know someone will want to comment that I should stop putting myself through pain and cut my soulless husband off. But that is not the point of my post. My point is that it is wrong for California to dissolve normal marriages based on only one spouse’s request. You can’t dissolve a business partnership without the permission and conditions of the other partner. Marriages are much bigger and more serious partnerships. A family is built from them. Before a judge wipes them away, shouldn’t there be an agreement between the partners or adequate proof that something is very wrong in the marriage? Why is it so easy to walk away from something you swore to commit to until you died?

You broke them

From the book “Womansong: Poems for Divorced Women on the Journey” by Annie Sharpe (2002):

How do you sleep at night

How do you stand yourself
Knowing you could have made the whole thing turn out
Differently

But you chose yourself
Of course

And chose to slash and strike and wound and crush

And you broke them.

They listened through closed doors
And watched
And tried to step in between

And sometimes they were your direct targets

And the fact that we were supposed to be
Better than that didn’t help

But look at their eyes
Full of pain and anger and questions
And their souls
Like china dolls smashed on the ground
Lie in a million pieces.

This isn’t the way it should have been
And only God can fix them.

A divorce just doesn’t end what two people promised to stay committed to for a lifetime, it destroys a whole family. Damn you Mark.

Slipped away

I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don’t forget you
Oh it’s so sad.

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.

The day you slipped away…..
Was the day I found
It won’t be the same …

Rest in peace my friend

Did you ever have the feeling that you just knew something was wrong? Today was one of those days. I was mopping  the floor when I had a feeling of dread wash over me. I had the feeling I needed to call my friend’s husband. Not my friend, but I felt I needed to call her husband. Literally ten seconds later the phone rang. It was my friend’s husband. My friend, Marilyn, affectionately known as “Q”, lost her battle with leukemia. She passed away on January 24, 2010. And so I dedicate this song to her as she is now in he arms of an angel . . .

Separate ways

Whew! Was this song hard to do!! Trying to learn the nuances of my new mic is proving very tricky when you have a song by Journey that demands to be belted out. It’s far from perfect, but even with fiddling with the volume and compression and blah, blah, blah, I still had to back away from the mic at times because it would just peak too much. But hey, it’s Journey!

Here we stand
Worlds apart, hearts broken in two, two, two
Sleepless nights
Loosing ground, I’m reaching for you, you, you . . .

I’m the only one

… But I’m the only one
Who’ll walk across the fire for you
I’m the only one
Who’ll drown in my desire for you
It’s only fear that makes you run
The demons that you’re hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I’m the only one …

You were meant for me

I hear the clock, it’s 6 AM
I feel so far from where I’ve been
I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you
I break the yolks and make a smiley face
I kind of like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots of off the mirror, don’t leave my keys in the door
I never throw my towels on the floor anymore ‘cuz
Dreams last for so long
Even after you’re gone
And I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you . . .

Single mom

From the book “Womansong: Poems for Divorced Women on the Journey” by Annie Sharpe (2002):

Valiant warrior, night fighter,
Unsung hero, juggler extraordinaire.

Quietly waging war with

angry, hurting children
bills and finances
laundry and meals
and
constant pressure to find work.

All the while silently grieving and bandaiding her
broken heart and shattered dreams.
Not a clean break, but sharp, jagged edges that
cut and pierce, sapping strength.

Sometimes, late at night, she feels the weight of the burden,
the depth of the loss, and how vast the aloneness.

Then she folds another towel and goes on.

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to find myself in the situation I am now in. Some days the pain over the realization of what my husband has done is so much, I don’t even want to get out of bed.  But then I think of who is sleeping still in the other rooms – my boys.  They are what gives me the strength to keep going.  And so like Annie’s poem says, I push the pain aside so that I can meet their needs. I still grieve, but I do so alone. That pain will be there for some time, I am sure, but I can live with it because there are two boys who need me more. And so I will proudly wear the title of “single mom” as I fold another towel and go on.

I love you

Once upon a time, there was an amazing show called “La Femme Nikita.” It was on USA network in the late 90’s and was a favorite of mine and my husband’s. They always had the best music and there was one song in particular that played when the show’s meant-to-be lovers finally escaped and were together. It was just so beautiful and perfect. I rediscovered that song the other day and thought how it fits into my own situation now.

Disclaimer: the instrumental version to this song is impossible to obtain. I found it on a site that would not let me buy or extract the audio. So I found my own solution but the music sounds a little “tinny.”

… And I forgot
To tell you I love you
And the night’s are too long
And cold here without you
I grieve for my condition
For I cannot find the words to say I need you so …

Wicked game

World was on fire and no one can save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I’d need somebody like you
I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you
No I don’t want to lose you love . . .